How many lifetimes do you think you’ve nursed this grudge? Tended this hurt?
A lot. It feels old, in my body. But…
But, what?
It feels good, almost. How can an old wound feel good? How can hate… feel this good?
Because your emotions wear grooves in your brain. And in your soul. It doesn’t feel good, it feels normal.
I don’t understand the difference.
Tell me where, exactly, in your body you feel it. When you hate, what is the physical sensation?
I feel it in my limbs. Pooling in my feet. It’s like it fills me with heavy water, anchoring me. My heart swells and dips, under that water. It’s dark and dense.
And it feels good?
It feels safe, like I know who I am when I hate. I feel like I’m safe and small and hidden. No one can hurt me when I feel this way.
Do you think you’re meant to be small and hidden?
No.
No.
But if I let go of this hurt, this really old wound in my soul… that is terrifying.
Of course it is. You might be hurt again. In fact, you probably will be.
That’s not really a comforting argument.
It’s not meant to be. My point is, how many times have you died and been reborn, with this same wound inside of you? How many lifetimes have you spent, small and hidden, because you were scared?
I don’t know.
Do you think that’s your soul’s highest purpose? To be terrified?
No. Of course not.
What if you learned to let the hurt go?
I’m grieving the loss of that sensation in my limbs. Is it wrong to grieve the loss of hate?
It’s understandable to grieve for loss of normalcy, even if what is normal for you is toxic. Just don’t get stuck in your grief. Move through it.
The grief doesn’t feel as good as nursing my old grudge did.
I wouldn’t expect so.
What if it takes me the rest of my life to process the grief?
Then you will be reborn again, a little lighter in your soul.
I want to be done with this. I don’t want to be reborn. Can’t I just fix this?
Maybe. Do you want to fix it?
Yes.
Are you sure? You just told me that you’re scared and grieving.
I want to fix it.
It’s not going to be easy.
Again, not really comforting.
Look, it’s hard to be human, okay? We all have soul contracts. We all have things we need to learn before we can move on to whatever comes after being human. These lessons are hard.
So, I just let the grudge go? Let the hate go? I’m afraid I’ll fall back into the same old groove again.
Forgiveness is a decision you make every day. Every moment.
Sounds exhausting.
It’s a practice. Eventually, it’ll wear a new groove in your brain, and it’ll start to feel normal, too.
That sounds good.
So what are you going to do?
Forgive, I guess.
You guess?
I almost… don’t know how to do it. What do you do, in order to forgive? How do you let go?
Have you never forgiven anything, before? Not even the smallest infraction?
I mean, of course I have.
So what’s the process of forgiving something small?
You decide it’s worth it to move forward, instead of stewing in the past. Decide to extend grace to whoever has wronged you.
You extend grace, but you make it sound like it’s for the other person’s benefit. It’s not.
It’s not?
No, it’s for your benefit. Your soul’s benefit.
That makes forgiveness sound like a selfish act.
Don’t be a fucking martyr. It’s selfish only in the way that you get a good night’s sleep, or bask in the sun. It’s good for your body and your soul. Healthy. Is it selfish to give your body what it needs to be healthy?
No.
And it isn’t selfish to give your soul what it needs to be healthy, either. Forgiving a large hurt takes the same process as forgiving a small hurt.
I can’t imagine my life without this hurt inside of me. I can’t imagine a future like that.
What a great adventure every day will be, then. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how light your soul feels.
I’m scared.
I know. And that’s okay. Do it anyway. What do you have to lose?
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash