So, this isn’t so much a question as a conversation that happened between myself and a coworker the other day. He didn’t ask my advice — not really — but I took it as a teachable moment.
Here’s what happened.
He texted me, saying “This is what I’m sitting across from today for lunch.”
And he attaches a picture of a woman, facing away from him (sitting at another table), who is wearing a cute crop top and is modestly inked. You can tell from the picture that she’s got some killer curves, and she isn’t afraid to show them off.
Don’t be a lecherous asshole, I texted back.
After a minute, I got his response. “I knew you’d come to that conclusion, because I didn’t have a chance to explain myself.”
Great, okay. Cue eye roll.
He continued: “It’s like people are using their bodies as a canvas. I just find it interesting, nothing sexual about it. At least for me.”
Did you ask to take her picture? I texted back. I shouldn’t have to tell you that it’s not polite to stare or take pictures, even if it’s “interesting” and “not sexual.”
“But I thought that was their motive — to attract attention to themselves. What other reason would there be for wearing clothes that are very revealing? Granted, it was probably not cool of me to a picture without her consent.”
You’re always treading dangerous water when your response is “I assumed she wanted it.” Yes, you should have asked. It’s the easiest thing in the world — just to ask.
Just fucking ask.
It really is the easiest thing. Isn’t it simple to assume that a person — male or female — would have enough agency to make their own choice about whether or not they have their picture taken?
Yes, of course it’s possible that she dressed like that on purpose. Of course it’s possible that she wants to draw attention to herself. Hell, for the amount of money she’s likely paid for the tattoos, I wouldn’t blame her for doing so.
But that still doesn’t absolve you of the responsibility of asking consent before taking her picture. That’s just common decency.
And, if she’s dressing like that in order to get attention, then she’ll be more than happy to pose for you.
If she didn’t, then a kind “fuck off” will tell you all you need to know here.
Dangerous things happen when you assume consent. Don’t.
Do you want my advice?
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